A new book in the self-help and wellness genre, How Shame Runs the World, written by psychotherapist Judith M. Pilla, explores one of the most complex of human emotions across a variety of topics. Whether considering historical events or the case studies of clients, Pilla takes a long-lens approach to the subject, arguing that shame is not simply destructive, but also a key neurological-based method of communication that protects wellbeing, guides behaviour, and keeps communities safe.
It’s an area I had never really considered in much depth before the press release for this book landed in my inbox. Of course, we all deal with shame on a daily basis, whether it relates to something personal or something we witness in others. In the “shame family”, as discussed by psychiatrist Donald Nathanson early in the book, we can include emotions such as embarrassment, ridicule, humiliation, and mortification. Once we identify these feelings and explore both our current experiences and past memories, it may become clearer how they can shape us and run our lives.
This is a book that academically explores these issues, while directly addressing the reader. It covers self-esteem, team-building, anger, status, and power. It considers how those with money and influence can use these factors to shame others — something we can see examples of every day on news channels and social media. As How Shame Runs the World is rooted in the American experience, it can sometimes feel a little insular, but the points it makes are universal.
Shame can be identified in phenomena such as racism, sexism, homophobia, and class consciousness. Pilla draws on a variety of sources to strengthen her arguments, exploring fiction as well as fact. For Pilla, shame is more “motion” than “emotion”, and facing it head-on makes a person more “victor” than “victim”.
Whether examining the rise of McCarthyism — the “Red Scare” of the 1950s — or the treatment of female Nazi collaborators after the war, when they were paraded with shaved heads, the power of shame emerges as an extremely potent force. And that’s before we even get to religion, including Christian fundamentalism and the long shadow cast by the sexual abuse scandal within the Catholic Church.
By the midpoint of the book, Pilla has introduced a variety of tools and ideas to help us take ownership of our own experiences of shame, which is where the self-help element comes in. Children are taught to fear and dislike people who may be different; new mothers may be influenced by generational differences to believe their parenting is inadequate; body dysmorphia may develop when ideals of beauty, weight, or gender are emphasised by the media; addiction to alcohol, drugs, or nicotine may stem from pressure to behave in a certain way; and a woman living in a domestically violent relationship may feel she deserves to be there.
This is an extremely detailed and useful book, with much to think about as you read it. I found myself returning to certain sections and feeling challenged by memories of some of my own experiences. Inevitably, books such as this can trigger the very emotions that How Shame Runs the World seeks to address.
There are no easy answers, nor should there be. Perfection is not a reality; it is simply a social construct designed, perhaps, to keep us all in line. Instead, learn to “Sherlock Your Shame”, to quote a reference to the Great Detective, and challenge the question of “what is wrong”.
At just over 400 pages, this book offers a great deal to take in and digest. I will certainly be returning to it in the future, as well as following up on some of the notes and references.
How Shame Runs The World, by Judith M Pilla, is available now, published by Health Communications / Simon and Schuster.