On black dogs, red mists, and blue Mondays

Credit: Pixabay

A more personal post …

I’m forty-six years old this year. And all through my life I’ve been hard to get to, hard to define. I was a hard child to understand, says my mother.

At school I had little or no confidence and my friendships tended to be more intense than others. I didn’t make friends easily, I never thrived in a group. I still don’t. I was easy to push around and laugh at.

I struggle with my thoughts and my confidence. Right now I am coping (not always that well!) with anxiety, depression, and frustration. But I have a good job. I have a great husband. I still have my parents. I’m in a good place financially.

It’s never quite ‘right’ but I can’t define why. I feel sometimes that work peers don’t care or respect my professional skills. I sometimes feel like a fish out of water. I wake up in a sweat. I get cramps. I shake. I can’t concentrate or even sometimes find the right word. I forget things. I don’t have the strength to be strong.

So getting out of the door is not easy. Staying engaged and interested in what’s going on around me is not easy. Even getting my point across when I know I have something real and genuine to say is not easy. Not crying is easy because really I can’t but if I could, I would. When you look at yourself and feel like you’re letting yourself down. Letting everyone else down.

I can’t push myself. I’ve done well in my career but right now I don’t feel it. I’ve pushed myself to do presentations, to join committees, to engage in professional spaces. I love nurturing and helping others achieve their potential.

But this black dog has me right now. It will get better, but it hurts me physically as well as messing with my mind. I ache. I feel pain. I feel shattered. I feel weepy. I feel angry. And this time it’s been this way for a year, up and down. Last time it was nearly two. I pushed through that but sometimes you can’t. You can’t. You have to say stop.

So I’m not using this post to complain, just to explain. You can’t stand in my shoes but now and again, just ask me if I’m OK. Send me happy thoughts. Be nice if you see me. Don’t push away my concerns just because they are not yours. I can even make you laugh if you let me (even if I’m churning up inside). Because I sometimes even make myself laugh.

I’m determined. I’ll be back. I’ll be whatever kind of ‘normal’ it is appropriate for me to be. That’s the joy of being unique.

Credit: Romp Roll Rockies

I’m still doing my reviews. I’m still reading, watching, enjoying.

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